This is my ex girlfriend’s TV and TV Stand. I am selling them, as she no longer lives in my house. She accidentally fell into bed with Steve the other week. Steve is not me.

The TV was used previous in her private “TV room”; one especially allocated so she could curl up and watch “Americas Got Essex Come Talent” privately.

Now, she doesn’t have any rooms allocated to her. This is because she now lives with Steve. Steve lives in a one-bedroom rental that smells of horse and bottom.

The TV, stand and remote come sold together as a neat package, very much like my girlfriend, her deception, halitosis and unsightly thumb wart.

The remote is an ingenious device that allows the television picture to come on but also off. You can choose either. This provided much pleasure for my gibbon of girlfriend who would marvel for hours switching it on and off claiming it was magic.

Woefully the TV does not have HDMI, which is, agreeably, a compromise by today’s standards I know; much like, oh, let’s say, living in a one-room-pigsty-slum-hovel-hog-parlour with a disastrous looking man.

The stand’s legs are aesthetically finished in chrome and thankfully do not make small children point, run away or vomit.

This 32-inch JVC classic is presented in grey, which is Steve’s favourite colour but it is also a colour reflecting the true joy I wish them both as they start their life together in their cosy mutant burrow.

There is an array of channels that the television can pick up such as One, Two, Three, Four and also additionally Five. Five is also the number of male friends my ex can pick up on Facebook; every ten minutes.

The TV also has an Aux channel, which is a complicated channel you can play games on such as Sonic. She thinks Sonic is real, and I once caught her in the garden at night calling him with a bowl of milk.

The buyer will collect the item in person from Swindon from a neutral address. This is because my current home is being forensically cleaned in an attempt to prevent the inhalation of warts via airborne pathogen.

Swindon incidentally is a town in England. Early colonists of Swindon in the 1800s were originally en route to live in Bristol because it’s cool but mid-way on the journey the horses got tired and refused to move any further than Junction 15 of the M4. The first shops followed in 1840 and now Swindon has proudly progressed into a modern, up and coming town; with both a Boots and a handy Halfords.

The girl with the burst sofa seemed to have everything.  She was pretty; she took care of her body and was the daughter of a wealthy man who owned a chain of household name shops!

She had been single for more than 7 years; she drove a posh German car and had renovated her house, which was actually a small castle to a lavish standard. She had a general air of “rich” about her but not a “my daddy buys me things” kind of rich, more a “I’m about to inherit millions and I smell of Horse” kind of rich. Horse smell aside, I was shocked she had been single for so long.

Anyway, we did a few Horsey dates, which are the sort of dates that rich people go on, where you go to quiet places to talk, primarily quietly and drink wine which costs more than Wales.

After date 13 or so (13 btw, is the average random number dates girls require before allowing you your allotment of intercourse) I was invited over to the house for “dinner”.

After “dinner” everything all seemed to be going to plan…the candles had been accidentally lit and Luther Vandross was accidentally on repeat on the Bose I-pod dock, which she pronounced as “BOW-ZAAY”.

Kissing began and clothes were removed in the obligatory order.

I was stood in the kitchen with my Jeans still on looking at what appeared to be a beautiful woman in lingerie. ( it is cool for men to remove most of a girls clothes and retain jeans himself ) This was the point of no return, but why would that matter, it’s not like she was about to have the worlds most ugly lady garden.

And then I saw it. The most ugly lady thing I have ever seen in my whole alive life.

“This is no ordinary human being” I thought to myself, immediately looking around for her ship. What had been unleashed and previously unfathomably collapsed into Victoria’s Secret was a nothing less than monster of complete and utter colossal proportion. This did not require pants. This required a hammock or a crane.

This was quite indescribably the most astonishing thing I had ever seen. A bewildering assemblage of pleats, folds and furrows, which presumably led to a clearing or did it? But I dare not tred that path. What if it was a wormhole and I ended up in 1941? How do I know which section does what? What if it explodes? How deep is this thing? What if it’s mother comes?  Ominously hung several inches from it’s host it seemed to be waiting, poised in its closed state, pretending to be a pretty flower, all the while tricking its prey. But this was no pretty flower. I could not see its eyes but I knew it was looking at me.

I had to think fast,  decide whether to gear up and confront this creature or decide to find an ingenious way to re-robe this thing that I had just dis-robed. Perhaps if I covered it again it might not see me, maybe that would disable it from somehow fully unraveling its tentacles right there in the kitchen.

I would need a good excuse to re-robe a 13 date disrobe. “This will have to be good” I thought as I continued to kiss the host in order not to distract or alarm what lay asleep beneath.

Suddenly it hit me. So I began to spontaneously convulse and buck. It was the only getaway. The only choice. Face humiliation, or face the giant salivating squid.

I left quickly, apologizing for my mishap. It saved hurting her feelings and me from being scarred for life.

Some weeks later we spoke on Skype and I told her I am sorry that I was part epileptic and I hoped she didn’t think something else had happened.

I also decided that it would be fair reasonable and  appropriate to approach the uncomfortable subject, I felt that as a man it was my duty and as a woman of her resources she could take it. Honesty after all is the fabric of any good relationship. So I dug my heels into the carpet and gritted my teeth and told her bluntly that Bose simply was not pronounced like that.

We never spoke again.

Boogie

Me – Thanks, you are such a prostitute, isn’t the going rate less than that these days?

SGF – Maybe I just got bored of you, did that not occur to your beloved 1000 viewers?

Me – I am surprised you can work the internet, did you do a course? Oh, and it was 650,000, but let’s not split grey hairs over it.

SGF – I am not going to continue this childish banter you clearly don’t want to talk seriously about this.

Me – Did you know that Enrique had his removed?

Editor:

SGF – Stands for Stupid Girlfriends, by the way, however I am sure you will comment with a much better acronym in this particular case

Boogie

Having been reprimanded like a naughty school child. I was forced, after they took down the original listing to re list. Making sure that the description “accurately described the item” and did not “offend” or contain “excessive profanity or voilence”

So.

A white storm watch – it is nice – it is in a red box – it was worn twice – by a person – the person is me – the watch tells the time – it is white – it has chrome bits on it – it has Storm written on it’s face – It has a second hand  – it is nice – it includes the following numbers.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
and also
12

—-

But like good soldiers – we fought on. And I duly answered your questions in the most appropriate way…

Q:  Hello Could you tell me whether this watch has a built in flux capacitor ? I need to go back to yesterday to sort out a cock-up before it occurs. Thanks 26-Jul-11

A:  I am so sorry Marty no it doesn’t.

Q:  description was amazing the first time round good luck with selling it …is it for left handed people or right ?? 25-Jul-11

A:  Sadly due to the code of conduct employed herein, I am not able to state if the watch has a left or right handed preference, this would suggest that one or other of the hands is inferior and thus might cause offense to 1 in 620,000. I will state that the item could be worn on the left hand, or the right hand, or around the neck, as a toe ring or waist belt. This watch suits all sorts of people, with or without any imperfections of any kind, not that I needed to say that, because it goes without saying that both perfect people or people with imperfections are completely equal and even drawing a reference comparision howsoever could imply intended offense.

Q:  congratulations, i am pretty sure this blatantly doesnt breach any policies. however they may review them and claim your hitting the allowed sarcasm limit pmpl. 25-Jul-11

A:  Thank you for your question I will duly look closely at these and ensure any sarcasm does not in anyway vilify the repute of any brands or trademarks or otherwise interfere with the successful operation of any third party merchant, organization or colour; such as Grey for instance.

Q:  SO ARE WE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO ASK ABOUT MOLEFACE OR STEVE ? 25-Jul-11

A:  I assume and am conscious that in doing so we might offend anyone called Steve so unfortunately no.

Q:  Why has the AMAZING original description changed?? Lynn xxx 25-Jul-11

A:  As explained on the previously mentioned question, the answer to this can be answered on a one-one basis on the another platform – I am unable to mention that platform by its proper Twitter name as I have not yet digested the terms and conditions sufficiently in order to mention another site.

Q:  Hi, It does look like a very nice watch!!! Which newspapers has the watch made? 25-Jul-11

A:  The Sun, The Mail and The Star. I hope you find that a fitting and non offensive answer directly relevant to the auction and its authentic description.

Q:  Would this watch look cool if worn on my ankle? 25-Jul-11

A:  Thanks for the email Oprah, yes it certainly will.

Q:  Is the photo of the actual watch ? , if not can you confirm that the numbers are all in the right order , from your previous listing the original buyer of the watch may have switched them around , ps how’s the cat ? 25-Jul-11

A:  Hello – Thank you (cough) twitter boogieandcookie (cough) Good question the following numbers are in the correct order 123456789101112 – however if you are sitting opposite the wearer the numbers are 67891011212345 – I hope that answers your questions.

Q:  hi if i win thee item will u send the articles with the watch 25-Jul-11

A:  I do have both “boogieandcookie” Sadly the “content” was kindly without warning deleted without warning. Steve is on the board I think.

Q:  hiya…..what has happened to your original listing on this watch??? 25-Jul-11

A:  Deleted for breach of policies.

Q:  We Thought the first description was much better 25-Jul-11

A:  eBay liked it too 650,000 views and 2 national newspaper articles.

Q:  I noticed in your previous description you were going to also sell other items belonging to your ex. When should I expect these to be listed ;0) 30-Jul-11

A:  I am tidying out the items that she was unable to salvage as I chased them up the road.

Q:  I suppose the item description of “USED” sums up everything about this watch relationship. I think your intellect and humour will go far, unlike the watch. 30-Jul-11

A:  Yes I note the term USED does have a derogatory connotation, rather like a nappy or sanitary towel and yes there are many things I can compare those items to particularly a most recent idiot of a girlfriend ( although when I say idiot, I mean that it is my opinion that she is an idiot, and not the opinion of eBay, The Sun or any other publisher of this chronicle ) and so when describing the watch I like to use the phrase “Approved Used” a little like Mercedes, which I have, and which clearly along with my Captain America after-body didn’t impress my ex girlfriend who instead chose Captain Grey Focus. I did accidentally mention Mercedes Benz there, of which this watch is not made by. However Storm, who the watch is made by have sent me their rather nice expensive one to ease my pain. Not that Mercedes Benz would ever consider a free day at Brook land’s, racing their AMG cars on the track as that might offend some of the paying customers or in-fact the cars themselves; and that’s the last thing I want to do.

Q:  i feel you may have a following and a fan base forever …how do you feel about that 30-Jul-11

A:  Will this mean that I have to have a tribal tattoo around my bicep or buy a Bentley and put stupid wheels on it? Well if it were true I would have a modicum of joy in my tummy. Truthfully though Web 2.0 users are as faithful as all my girlfriends. It will only take someone to invent Blinker – a website that records the amount of times you blink, and I will be old news.

Q:  Are you surprised that the price is only £51.00. I would have thought with the provenance that this watch now has, it should be up in the thousands. I am only a poor waif and stray with no need of a man’s white watch or the money to bid, but I do need your blog address. 29-Jul-11

A:  Did you use the words provenance and waif and stray? Are you from 1931?

Q:  Dear Boogieandcookie, I am a little bit behind with the times, and do not possess a twitter account… You mentioned that you had a blog where we could follow the outcome of this watch…. Is there a way that if you do that you could supply the address?? By the way, I understand from a previous question that you are unwilling to post overseas… Would you consider personally delivering said item for a nominal fee (flights)? 28-Jul-11

A:  Considering flights to upside down land are approximately £15,000 each way or 74,000,000 of your Australian Dingo Dollars then by all means I would consider hand delivering it. That said do you have security there? I know there are great expanses of wasted land that nobody is using and could easily be used for housing various immigrants. For instance you could build them all free houses. ( Just an idea ) Anyway back to the security, I am a little wary of your stealth dingos there. I hear they are a prominent pest notorious for looting and stealing all manner of items such as babies and other small objects. I am not sure if you knew but we in the UK have invented the tin can, the Dyson, lawnmowers, fizzy water, DNA finger printing and Jesus of Nazareth where as I note you invented The Boomerang; but less is more.

Q:  How did you feel when the bidding got to £999,999? Did you think omg I am going to be a millionare!! I did! 27-Jul-11

A:  No I knew instantly it was a group of fake bidders. But I DO wonder now why they still have an eBay accounts.

Q:  i was wondering if u ha concidered applying for a job in advertising for the manufacturers of the watch? and if your cat might consider doing an ad for the rspca, featuring the story of the laithing accident. how is cat by the way? 27-Jul-11

A:  Hm! Scratches chin…Thank (U) for not U sing the Y key. It gives me a rash. I am hoping for an offer any day now… I know it’s coming… hang on is that my phone? Hm, maybe there is no signal in here.

Q:  hi, i was just wondering if this watch resembles you in anyway? ie…have a nice face, likes to take time, good use of second hand and can keep a date! 27-Jul-11

A:  Well I am going to stick my neck out here… and I hope not to offend but I am of Caucasian race, or Caucasoid, Europid, or Europoid depending on the context or your position globally. That is not to suggest in anyway that any other type of watch are in anyway by any means different better or worse, just that factual and correctly there could be a similarity between me and the watch. However this is not scientifically true as Caucasian people can vary from Light Cream to Cream with a Hint of Grey, or Yellowy Hue; or more accurately various shades of brown. As for having a nice face, I appreciate that you feel the watch has one, but for me to suggest that I have also might infer that ugly faces do exist, which is no laughing matter. Agreeably I have found more use of the second hand most recently.

Q:  Was just wondering, is the watch listed for sale on facebook and if so give me your facebook name…I am just “RASIN” the question regards jim 27-Jul-11

A:  There are detailed instructions and I can answer specific and significantly longer questions yes on another site, sadly I dare not mention another platform on this platform for that might be construed as manipulating the terms of conditional usage and features, the site itself not the site herein however might or might not limit me to a number of characters in which I have to reply. Lots of love boogieandcookie which is a user name, one that I can, should I wish use on other sites, should I feel that is appropriate, as is, my use of, commas, for effect. I have not heard of Facebook, is it popular?

Q:  I understood from the last listing that the red box was missing. I am assuming that you have found it now. Could you tell me the dimensions of the red box. Is it large enough to store, for example, a box of raisins and a tube of glue? 27-Jul-11

A:  HAHHAHAHAAHAHA!

Q:  Hello, Would you be willing to accept a BIN price of £999,999.00? 27-Jul-11

A:  That is such a shame, I had rather hoped to save my £999,999 bid for a delinquent teenager on the computer he stole from his Nan.

Q:  Hello,people, look at your watch, now back to me, now back at your watch, now back to me. Sadly, it isn’t mine, but if i stopped using my poundland one and switched to yours, i could stop being late. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the watch, my watch could look like that. What’s on your wrist, back at me. I have it, Look again, the numbers are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man has a watch like yours. I’m on a horse.” GOOD LUCK WITH THE SALE. : )p.s does it keep good time? (to comply with rules!) 27-Jul-11

A:  You had me at Hello.

Q:  I would like to know if this watch has ever been inside a ford focus before i make a decision on making a bid, as i think there maybe a connection between cheating and ford focus’. I am a mathematician and statistician and am doing a multiple regression on this topic as a post graduation study. So any connections due to watches, facial fetures, foot size and cars would be useful 27-Jul-11

A:  Thank you Data for your email, simply speaking there is no philosophy which is not founded upon knowledge of the phenomena, but to get any profit from this knowledge it is absolutely necessary to be a mathematician. Being one myself I had to use a Pythagorean triangle in order to calculate this. If X = Grey and Y = Nevus or ( Removus Thatus ) then Z = is equal to the sum of both parts divided by it’s whole but expressed as a percentage squared. I hope that helps.

Q:  if i was to purchase the watch would i be able to put a strap on featuring a big toe or a big mole and where would i be able to purchase a strap like those 26-Jul-11

A:  eBay the fine institution of greatness, is more than happy to accommodate any purchase requests you may have. Although I think that the terms of service do not permit the sale or purchase of human or in this case animal parts, nor do they sell skin additions. However they do sell Raisins and Glue.

Q:  Hi, if i won this item, would it be possible for you to engrave it for me before posting? I would like ‘TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA’ please cheers 26-Jul-11

A:  That is certainly possible.

Q:  You have made made my sh*t day so enjoyable! 26-Jul-11

A:  I am glad to have helped you with your SHORT day.

Q:  hi does it come with a free grey wig so i can impress as i have a ford focus thanks 26-Jul-11

A:  Sadly in the interests of accuracy, decency and duty of care, I must stipulate that this does not come with a wig or any form of rubber comedy feet or stick-on eye raisin. I hope that no raisins will be offended as that is not the intention.

Q:  On your advert, you list the numbers on the watch face, however, I note the numbers 3, 6 and 9 are missing from the otherwise pleasing face. Is due to the manufacturers having taken a dislike to Nikola Tesla, or even more quirky, Geometry itself, I wonder? Anyway, do you have the missing numbers in a jar or other safe place that you can post, along with the watch, to the winning bidder? 26-Jul-11

A:  Interesting question – I checked the manufacturers and I did note that they had created a press release on their website, taking the I.P. from the originator and also the copyright of the publisher. I am sure they have been trying to get through to me to pay me, perhaps there is a problem with my phone.

If you want to look like an offensively rich footballer at fraction of the cost take a look at this bad boy. This rather delicious watch for the sportier men among you was given to me by my idiot of an ex girlfriend, who by the way ended up in bed last Thursday with Steve. Steve, for your information, is not me.

Unfortunately I have only worn this watch twice since she purchased it for me – Oh how extravagant of her -”Oh what gift can I buy my boyfriend, I know. I’ll go to Covent Garden to the STORM shop and buy him a watch but come home with 12 pairs of shoes for myself and a 3 Grand Breitling for Steve” By the way she also has big feet. Size 9. On a woman, yes that’s what I said she should be in the circus. “Roll up Roll up for the incredible big footed lady with a hairy eye wart”.

I was going to ask Steve if after eating my girlfriend’s body in front of me, he might want to purchase the watch. I also then offered him my girlfriends thrush pessaries from the bathroom cabinet. He declined both politely and drove off in his Grey 2002 plate Ford Focus – LX. Grey like his personality, complexion and most of his hair.

So as Mr Grey and Sasquatch Mole Eye wander off happily holding hands, I will be withholding all the items remotely connected to our relationship in escrow and sending them romantically on their way to eBay.

PS – As Steve is actually my boss and I punched him hard in the face and subsequently do not have a job, the revenue from the sale of these items will go toward feeding myself and my poor cat Judy, who sadly lost her tail and one of her legs in a lathe accident.”

And then you decided to add wit in the “Ask Seller a Question” Section.

Question & Answer
Q: Let’s face it, I have to hand it to you for answering these questions time and time again. This is the second time I’ve told you to stop you continue to tick me off by going in to minute detail. I’m sorry, I’m only winding you up. Note: This post may contain time related puns. Some of which are the worst puns of all time.

A: Yes but you forgot to watch the item.

Q: Sorry about your girlfriend dude.. I hope you find a new/better one. Don’t take her back or else the problems will be worse!

A: It is funny you say that. Mine was trained at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. She has mastered the: “What do you mean who am I talking to on Skype at 3am, its my friend Julie, don’t be so paranoid, god men are so paranoid, I will leave you if you are paranoid, you are so possessive, I hate possessive men who don’t approve of me flirting with everyone but saying I am not”

Q: Is there a matching white suit to go with this? If so, how much for the whole package. Also, you girlfriend came home late last night, was she with you by chance? Just trying to get my facts straight… Also will you ship to Thailand?

A: Oh no. I don’t think she wants to go back from Thailand – she promised to love me long time should I agree to pay for everything.

Q: Evening! I just happened across this auction, from a little (big) site known as Reddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iw0d2/best_ebay_product_description_ever/ I’m afraid I agree with you about the style so I shan’t be bidding, but I can buy you a damn beer coz I see you’re in Swindon… as am I! Promise I’m nothing to do with this Steve bloke though…as a rule I avoid Focus drivers. Good luck with the auction mate.

A: Yes there is something distinctly ordinary about a Focus in grey. It is neither Silver nor white, it is just grey. “Hi, do you like my car?” “Yes what colour is it?” “It’s primer” “Brilliant cleaning that must be a joy”

Q: I’m very sorry about your cat. Hug her for me.

A: Ah, that’s a shame but she is cat who is trained in Krav Maga. Sadly the postman lost an eye from hugging her once.

Q: Sorry about your girl and your boss. I will bid for this watch then burn it and bury the remains on a sunny beach in california. I hope your cat will enjoy some food

A: Interesting idea. Is this beach patrolled often by police, as I rather have another item I was planning to bury there.

Q: How exactly does a cat get into a lathe accident? Oh, and nice watch.

A: Well as it happens I enjoy some social woodturning, metalworking, metalspinning and glassworking, it helps me relax. There is nothing quite like milling, grinding and fashioning a peice of metal from one shape, to a slightly different one. The transformation is quite rewarding. One day. I was shaping a piece of scrap metal from the tip into a beautiful swan on my new lathe. My cat had not seen the lathe before and whilst I was on a break she began to rub herself on the machine. I watched as I found this was quite endearing, but she accidentally switched it on with her paw.

Q: I felt like you should know that. Steve sounds like an asshole.

A: Thank you. I tore him a new one.
Q: hi great story can you add pics of both steve and ugly ex girlfriend thanks that would help in making a purchase

A: Steve is rather sadly bludgeoned quite badly and as a result images of him – are about to be uploaded, images of my fat thigh Evans clothes wearing big tall Sally however are likely to disturb small children and dogs.

Q: Hi there, are you boogie or cookie

A: Well actually I am boogie its a pet name. Cookie was the pet name for my ex girlfriend. I am called Boogie as I like to dance, she is called Cookie as the she has a cookie sized giant freckle on her right bosom.

Q: Are there any pictures of the original purchaser available? Purely for research purposes you understand.

A: Yes as a matter of fact there are – we once did some close up shots of her EYE MOUND for Dr Pakindoedoe – He wanted them to show his medical dermatological students how incredibly ugly it can be to be afflicted in this way he then passed them to be displayed in section 3C of the Natural History Museum in London, next to the lava beetles.

Q: Is the laithe for sale?

A: Hahahhahahahahaha

Q: The watch seems to have an honest face, however the original purchaser seems to be two faced – can you guarantee that he watch isn’t lying when it tells the time. Oh sorry to hear about your job. And the cat.

A: As the watch is male, I can confirm that it is not a lying female watch that will end up in your bed with someone else the moment you take it off your wrist.
Ask seller a question

….and so you did..

There was no end to your wit.