Stupid Girlfriends

Mole face ex girlfriend who I made famous on eBay was not the only dating mishap in my extremely unfortunate dating chronicle.

The girl with the burst sofa seemed to have everything.  She was pretty; she took care of her body and was the daughter of a wealthy man who owned a chain of household name shops!

She had been single for more than 7 years; she drove a posh German car and had renovated her house, which was actually a small castle to a lavish standard. She had a general air of “rich” about her but not a “my daddy buys me things” kind of rich, more a “I’m about to inherit millions and I smell of Horse” kind of rich. Horse smell aside, I was shocked she had been single for so long.

Anyway, we did a few Horsey dates, which are the sort of dates that rich people go on, where you go to quiet places to talk, primarily quietly and drink wine which costs more than Wales.

After date 13 or so (13 btw, is the average random number dates girls require before allowing you your allotment of intercourse) I was invited over to the house for “dinner”.

After “dinner” everything all seemed to be going to plan…the candles had been accidentally lit and Luther Vandross was accidentally on repeat on the Bose I-pod dock, which she pronounced as “BOW-ZAAY”.

Kissing began and clothes were removed in the obligatory order.

I was stood in the kitchen with my Jeans still on looking at what appeared to be a beautiful woman in lingerie. ( it is cool for men to remove most of a girls clothes and retain jeans himself ) This was the point of no return, but why would that matter, it’s not like she was about to have the worlds most ugly lady garden.

And then I saw it. The most ugly lady thing I have ever seen in my whole alive life.

“This is no ordinary human being” I thought to myself, immediately looking around for her ship. What had been unleashed and previously unfathomably collapsed into Victoria’s Secret was a nothing less than monster of complete and utter colossal proportion. This did not require pants. This required a hammock or a crane.

This was quite indescribably the most astonishing thing I had ever seen. A bewildering assemblage of pleats, folds and furrows, which presumably led to a clearing or did it? But I dare not tred that path. What if it was a wormhole and I ended up in 1941? How do I know which section does what? What if it explodes? How deep is this thing? What if it’s mother comes?  Ominously hung several inches from it’s host it seemed to be waiting, poised in its closed state, pretending to be a pretty flower, all the while tricking its prey. But this was no pretty flower. I could not see its eyes but I knew it was looking at me.

I had to think fast,  decide whether to gear up and confront this creature or decide to find an ingenious way to re-robe this thing that I had just dis-robed. Perhaps if I covered it again it might not see me, maybe that would disable it from somehow fully unraveling its tentacles right there in the kitchen.

I would need a good excuse to re-robe a 13 date disrobe. “This will have to be good” I thought as I continued to kiss the host in order not to distract or alarm what lay asleep beneath.

Suddenly it hit me. So I began to spontaneously convulse and buck. It was the only getaway. The only choice. Face humiliation, or face the giant salivating squid.

I left quickly, apologizing for my mishap. It saved hurting her feelings and me from being scarred for life.

Some weeks later we spoke on Skype and I told her I am sorry that I was part epileptic and I hoped she didn’t think something else had happened.

I also decided that it would be fair reasonable and  appropriate to approach the uncomfortable subject, I felt that as a man it was my duty and as a woman of her resources she could take it. Honesty after all is the fabric of any good relationship. So I dug my heels into the carpet and gritted my teeth and told her bluntly that Bose simply was not pronounced like that.

We never spoke again.

Boogie